UA-19541526-1

October 1st


by Molly Kat

The violence enacted on her body has solidified into coal, collected between her lungs, and sits growing hard and dense, trying with all its might to produce a diamond. The hands she loved and the hands she has never met turn into a big lead anchor. Her face is carved of knotted white rope.  When the wind blows, the wet coils pull taut against the steal of her jawbone and moan in agony.  They twist and cry out into the cold salt water.  The ocean doesn’t move.  Energy moves, waves move, but the water stays still, stays shrieking at the cuffs of her sleeves, stays static and impartial.  She relies on this. Her insides ride the crest of a wave and are covered in foam. Her face is carved out of diamond.  Her name sounds like a man’s sob. Her eyes reflect nothing but the cold dead mouths of volcanoes.  She has been reduced to ash.  She used to be so much fire.   She is stolen by suicide the way most young girls are stolen by love. She is singing by the wayside. She wants the hem of her skirt to come undone.  She doesn’t want the centuries of corsets to bind her to her hated body.  She is imprisoned in the wretchedness of the news corporate media refuses to tell. The bodies pile up, become the known tissue of the hated body. She is nothing but tissue. Sinew, snapping under the violence of memory, of melody, her harmony begs to be forgotten. Sometimes, when she walks down the avenues in alphabet city, the click of her heels and the swish of wiper blades and the squeal of brakes make music, a deafening music, a familiar music.  She has her pepper spray and her switchblade but it isn’t revenge she’s after.  She walks slower, then faster, then hops or jumps or skips and the city scowls at her cacophony, at her defiance.  She finds the pawn shop she’s been after and asks for the sharpest teeth, a guttural moan, three 45caliber bullets, and an old sail. She stops at the door, stares at the sun beaming out from behind dissolving clouds and mumbles inaudibly, “not today, there is god today.  I have to wait for it to rain.”

*

Molly Kat is a graduate student at Binghamton University studying American Literature and Literary Theory. She has had work published in Muzzle Magazine, Pedastal Magazine, Ragazine, and several print anthologies and other literary magazines. She has work forthcoming in Foothill Poetry Journal as well as Corvus.

photo by Phil NZ

Piss’d


by Jason Schenheit

What was supposed to be a little tizzy with the chaps turned in to  a god dammed frenzy. Now to that effect, I’m not one with a jest for the imagination, but be aware that your trusting little friend and story teller has been drinking, smoking, and cavorting with all I’ve known, the messed and downtrodden. By way of Jackson St, I’ve walked myself from my digs,downtown, south  towards the bridge and it’s junction with Stover St.,on the way to the community college, Go You East Everett Avengers! A twenty minute walk, past the brick bottom high rise apartments, past the new commercial spaces with their visible red painted metal beams, past the Mommies Morning Yoga, past the three major coffee chains and the five local ones, past Ebert’s Sherbet who’s cross-street is McMichael’s, past the stuccoed High, plastered Middle, and trailered Elementary schools, past the tree lined dog park on Trinity Way, past the neo-classical condo-complex trying to butt up family style against the river, and over the walking bridge, adjacent to the cars’ bridge that crosses the river.Smells like piss, but only after my chums and I started the trend of pissing off the bridge in to the river. The August afternoon is sticky, and my shirt and my skin are becoming one, so I peel the cotton off, the sun warming my tanned and tired pores, and the on looking mommy strollers can turn their eyes all they want. They might know what we did, a couple of pals, roommates, Avenger cohorts, Dash and Quest.But the town doesn’t say shit, they never do, and the Jakes, those Everett cops, we think they know too, everyone just looks past me and mine right in to nothing, the town, in to their strollers, always away from us. Sometimes, when we go in to bars or Claire’s Dinner off Jackson, the counter people always dock a few dollars or crack us some free cold ones or gives us a pie and three clean forks.

Six months back the LocalObserver’s front pages went from suicide to murder, because Ol’ Ricky was found bumping head first in to the bridge’s icytower foundation in beat with the unfrozecurrent, and the town was still at ease.No one cares about a dead racist. At least not in East Everett. Where there was no room for something so old. Overlooked because Ol’ Ricky LaVarve was a crazy bigot.No sooner did you walk past LaVarve and he went off no matter your hue. You see Dash came home hot headed, about’a half a year ago,in middle of winter. Steam was rising, growing from his sweat soaked skull cap. He said, Ol’ Ricky called me’a spic, followed me a good six blocks from the walking bridge up to McMichael’s, whistle’en, sing’en it behind my back, the son of a bitch.Sick of Ol’ Ricky’s tongue,back we went, my chaps and I, to talk some sense in to Ol’ Ricky. Back down by way of Jackson St., from downtown, south  towards the bridge and it’s junction with Stover St., on the way to the community college, Go You East Everett Avengers! A twenty minute walk, past the brick bottom high rise apartments, past the new commercial spaces with the red painted metal beams, past the Mommies Morning Yoga, past the three major coffee chains and the five local ones, past Ebert’s Sherbet who’s cross-street is McMichael’s, past the stuccoed High, plastered Middle, and trailered Elementary schools, past the tree lined dog park on Trinity Way, past the neo-classical condo-complex trying to butt up family style against the river, and under the walking bridge, adjacent to the car bridge that crosses the river. The smell like piss coming soon after my chums and I start our trend of pissing off the bridge in to the river. When we, my knuckle rubbing chums and I, got to the underside of the walking bridge, there Ol’ Ricky LaVarve was in his tattered cord jacket, layers of sweatshirts, newspapers and worn knee denims. He was smoking out a GP that was little, hued black and brown. He yelled out, you dinks coming this way,you want to hear the truth, that you’ll be saved, if you let go, let it go, you lil’ spades.We couldn’t speak, we sprang, my pals and I, to head split, rib slit, and knee crunch. We destroyed Ol’ Ricky’s face, smashed in his teeth, his jaw, pulled out his hair, that ripped up scalp by the handful, tore at his cheek ripping open a long smile to the top of his broken jaw,stabbed out his eyes with our fingers, then we stomped in his chest, kicked in his privates, lit his clothes on fire with him still in ’em, and Ol’ Ricky in between gasps of blood, in a damaged, gurgled whisper, do it, do it, you filth, you curses, kick’n my head, but we, my leg and arm grabbing chums and I, carried Ol’ Ricky back up on to the walking bridge, lifted his dead weight, and shoved him over in to the river. And then we, my lighting up squares, social network and I,started that trend of the smell of piss.

*

Jason Reinhard Schenheit, is an all sorts writer, and survivor living in San Francisco. After his service in the US Marine Corps he has gone on to become MFA candidate at San Francisco State University, where he works as the Managing Editor of Fourteen Hills: The SFSU Review, and co-coordinates the VelRo reading series. Outside of SFSU, he is an editor and webmaster for thegorillapress.com an online journal representing young talent throughout the US. His most recent work can be found in sparkle + blink. 

photo by MA1216

It Does Not Rain Enough


by Luis Cuauhtemoc Berriozabal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I save my tears for night.
I save them for when it rains.
It does not rain enough.
The tears, they do not care,

if I suffer or if I’m happy.
The rain won’t come soon
enough and when it does
people still ask if I’m all right.

 

*

 

Luis Cuauhtemoc Berriozabal is a California-based writer. He welcomes your comments at cuatemochi[at]aol.com.

photo by MyEyeSees

By Sea


by Stephen Rosenshein

 

The sea is an endless sameness interrupted by brief signs of life: coastlines, birds, whales, boat wakes. I sat on the side of the boat reading, watched the five or six-foot swells raise and lower the ship. There were fins and water-spouts in the distance. Or maybe they weren’t really whales but I really wanted to see whales so I saw fins and water spouts in the distance. Either way I saw something.

 

And I thought, I could lead a life at sea, just focusing on the way the sea was dark and churning out frothy streaks of bubbles that turned white because they were emptied of water and filled with light. I didn’t really think that. I thought I wonder what happens to the bubbles at night.

 

I forgot the bubbles that night and got salty taking shots out of the cap of a liquor bottle. I screamed at the seagulls resting on the railing of the boat. I danced with and swore at everyone. I punched Steve Perkins so hard in the face that I started to think I could REALLY lead a life at sea.

 

In the morning the cruise was over. I walked onto dry land holding both handrails. I could still feel the up and down, the side to side.

 

*

Stephen Rosenshein studied creative writing at San Francisco State University. He welcomes your comments at stever4204[at]gmail.com.

photo by laura.bell

Firebug for Hire


by Adam “Bucho” Rodenberg

 

In an abandoned office building across the street from a café, a man sits patiently at a window, waiting. The room is devoid of furniture, but walls shellacked with weeks-old bullet holes surround him. The building is a skeletal carcass of the skirmishes that have grown in number over the past months.

No one has come to clean the building, nor will they ever. The smart and the fearful have already fled the city. The dumb and the fearless remain, sometimes at odds with each other, sometimes hand in hand. Avarice, vice, persistence, and sometimes the rare bit of true altruism…these are what run the city now. These are what have caused the gaping chasms across the neighborhoods.

Singed papers lay strewn about, tinged with black and faded map-orange along their edges. Light fixtures hang like dead limbs from the ceiling, creaking in the breeze from open windows elsewhere in the shattered office. The smell of concrete and copper permeates the room, but the man doesn’t care. He’s been around more blood than has pooled up and dried on these carpeted floors.

The blinds of the window are pock-marked with holes as well, but still allow a veil of secrecy. A telescope, with microphone attachment stands, pointed down at the café through one of the largest gaps in the abused slats. Wires from the microphone dish spill out onto the floor, coil up and then snake over to a makeshift table where they insert themselves into a lightweight, but expensive, recording device. The man travels light. At the first sign of a problem, all but the digital camera in his hand and the recorder can be left behind. Take what’s important, leave what’s irrelevant. A thing is a thing and most often replaced, but information is invaluable.

He checks his watch; the client won’t arrive for another half hour, so he gets up and moves around. A chair in the corner lies on its back with cushion stuffing spilling out from the seat. It’s hard to see the dried blood on the seatback against the deep mahogany color, but it’s there in brownish puddle stain. Cloudy daylight spills across the surfaces of broken doors hanging on a single hinge.

On the back wall, a hole slightly larger than his head. It is ringed by paint melt and sludge singe, an imperfect circle that shows him the hallway, the office beyond, and another hallway beyond that. The wall there is blackened and soot-tarnished and he imagines he can smell the screams of whatever rocketed through the clutter.

In the next room over, a corner office missing two walls. There is no sign of any carpet having been here other than the dirt and dust that spirals around in tiny wind devils.

This destruction is the new reality. This is how one comes full circle as long as you can stomach it.

He sits back down near the window and waits.

*

She used to say that revolution could come from birdsong in the morning, that it could be done through propaganda. She said revolution, more often than not, came from pulling a single metal pin and setting the world on fire for an evening. “Imagine the Earth,” she’d say in that far off voice, as if she were imagining it herself. “Now think about flames licking their way up from the southern hemisphere. Forget how much heat it would actually take to set the South Pole on fire and just picture it burning the world like an old map from the bottom up. Fire brings death, death brings life, and hopefully we get it right the next time around.”

*

Like most mornings in the city, the day was mausoleum quiet. The random sound of thunder across town never portended rain (which hadn’t come in months), but instead warned of another skirmish somewhere nearby. A car exploding, a firecracker distraction, a gas station imploding from below, a building finally giving way beneath a throttled foundation. Today, however, only the sound of my dress shoes clip-clopping across debris-littered sidewalks and crumbling parkways echoed up and out against the buildings still left standing like half-burned cigarettes. The echo came back sideways and off, sounding strange and screechy against my ears. The sound unnerved me, made my spine tingle improperly and my palms moistened. Just being out in the open made me skittish. Why in the world had I decided to wear a suit today?

Habit, of course. I’m from the old guard. Up until the world had capsized and decided to feed on itself, I remained persistent in being well-groomed and well-dressed. The generations that followed after me had lost that sense of style, that sense of class that men were supposed to carry on their shoulders once they were done making the mistakes of being uneducated adolescents. So much so that even when I had a housekeeper, I would starch and iron my own dress shirts, buff my own shoes at the end of every day, and lint-rolled each suit by hand.

Order. Routine. These things that I depended on became obsolete once the populace revolted against the faceless machine of the city, a machine that I had become a part of over the years. I hadn’t worked so hard for decades only to watch it disintegrate before my eyes, no. Who were they to say that I had been wrong in building up my small empire just because they were incapable of doing the same? Were they lazy? Unintelligent? I don’t know and never truly speculated that deeply on the matter, but I stayed when everyone else left, when they jumped off the sinking ship of commerce and let it rot at the bottom of this concrete ocean I walk across now.

I had a towncar once. And a driver. These were niceties I could afford and I enjoyed them both. I remember when you could actually drive down these streets, when they were clear of stonework and chaos but full of the dirty and unclean, always with their hands out as if I had the power to save them all. By that time, money was irrelevant and people dealt in drugs, death, or information. If you didn’t have one of those, you either left the city or you died beneath its crumbling edifices. I don’t know that I’d ever want to know the true number of the dead hidden under so much rubbled concrete.

I turned a corner and saw the café several blocks down. The wrought-iron furniture out front seemed out of place, cozy and casual, against the backdrop of the crumbling edifices surrounding the shop. I ducked into a darkened doorway and waited, watched, slowed my breathing down to nothing and chameleoned myself against the rough brick wall in the dark. If I had learned one thing over the years, it was that playing the slow game was always the smart bet.

Always.

*

She slalomed the bike quickly through an alleyway, riding away from the explosion behind her. Molls had set the timer wrong, had gotten too antsy to watch something burn as if they’d never have another chance to make that happen. Had she not had her bike, she would have been so much blood and skin pollacked on the wall just like Molls. Stupid, stupid Molls.

The problem with true revolt is that it, too, can be infiltrated by the wrong people. People so hell-bent on ideology that they never see the moment as part of a larger history or take the time to weed out the misinformation from the truth.

This is why she had moved up in the ranks of the faux army; she understood both concepts better than most of the older folks who had been fighting longer, the ones who had lost more than she had ever conceived of losing in her lifetime. While they sat around makeshift barrel fires swapping origin stories and overly biased opinions, she had kept her history quiet. An interloper by their standards, there was no way she would ever earn their respect if they had known about her upbringing, so she remained quiet and loyal. Diligent. Always the first to volunteer as a new angel of death.

They gave her missions, she came back victorious.

They gave her a gun, she came back with an arsenal.

They gave her explosives, she made them bigger and louder.

The thick clinking of metal in her shoulder-bag reminded her to slow down. Full of tweaked grenades acquired in a previous skirmish, it was good that Moll had passed the bag onto her before setting the charge. They were too valuable to have been lost in such a shoddily completed mission. A weapons cache was a hard thing to build up, much less stumble across these days. One only needed to look at the city to see that so many had already been used. How much could be left now?

She had become their scythe-wielder, their black-veiled goddess of the night, their hell on wheels.

She turned down an alleyway and saw part of the café. She stood her bike up next to a demolished trash bin and walked the rest of the way, always looking up and around for trouble as she kicked the rubble out of her path absent-mindedly.

*

She said she felt dirty here and still did on occasion. “I got used to the money just always being there, being around me. After awhile, even the trees smelled like greed and I had to go. That was when I realized I wanted to do something more than consume for selfish reasons. I want to conceive for selfless reasons now.”

“You just want to watch the world burn.”

“No,” she said. “I want to watch it grow back into something real. I want to take from those that don’t deserve it and put it in the hands of those that do. We stand in the middle of the era of inevitability. This is how things end. This is how it’s supposed to be. This is how things will continue to be until we’ve turned the tide of unreason back into something that works for everyone.”

“And what of the people? You can’t eliminate them all in the name of some abstract cause. You aren’t the only ones with answers.”

“No, but we lack complacency.”

*

Down at the café, the client arrives and sits at the agreed upon table. It is not so much a café as it is an old bookstore with wrought-iron tables and chairs out front and a barely working coffee machine inside. A meeting place for the wary and the suspicious out in the open, right in the middle of madness. The man sits up, adjusts the microphone and begins snapping pictures. The client wears a suit and nice shoes. A ridiculous outfit considering the setting. He will most likely find himself buried in it, but only because he will most likely die in it.

The girl approaches on a bike from the west. She rides close to the walls in the few shadows that splotch the street. She is smarter than the client in this way. She is dressed to move and move quickly. Even the bike shows better planning than the client’s own desire to walk here on his own.

The man snaps pictures of the girl. He snaps pictures of the client. He puts the digital camera down and takes a bite of the warm sandwich on his lap. A breeze wails through broken windows and fractured blinds, the haunted moan of a dead city and a dying populace.

The girl sits across from the client. A younger man brings them both coffee and scurries back inside the bookstore, shutting the door behind him. They drink. She smiles. The client does not.

*

The patchy shadows of clouds above the café patio washed her face – first in dark, then in light. It was hard to tell what she was thinking as her smile seemed to change with the elements. She sipped her espresso. I made fun of her for the pinky she always extended when drinking. “An old habit from my younger years,” she’d say, as if protesters and firebugs had no place growing up in the upper echelons of society.

I could feel the coffee thickening against my teeth and immediately wished for a toothbrush. “So what’s in this for you?” I asked quietly.

She set her cup down on the saucer, a sound like heavy coins falling into a glass jar. “I get the notoriety I need, you get an automatic way to make a change. My people will believe they’re making a difference and you get a second chance. It’s a win-win for everyone as long as there’s no one inside when we make our move.” She stared at me, waiting for my eyes to give her the go ahead.

“Will you need my assistance if anything goes awry?”

She shook her head and grinned. “We’ve gotten pretty good at making our own exits. Plus, we don’t want there to be any ties linking us together. A clean break makes for fewer places for them to explore,” she said getting up and grabbing her satchel. “You remember how to leave me the message?” she asked.

I nodded as a camera click-click-clicked from the building across the street. My own quiet insurance plan in case anything happened. I am a businessman after all.

“Until then, I suppose,” she sighed. “Bye, Dad.”

 *

Adam “Bucho” Rodenberg is a novelist graduating from the USF MFA in Writing Program. He welcomes your comments at dj_bucho[at]yahoo.com.

photo by Mark Kelley

The Quetzal Bird Weeping


by Luis Cuauhtemoc Berriozabal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To be the sweet-voiced
quetzal bird singing
songs of the heart…

Would the fumes intoxicate me?

I grieve for our earth.

I see it destroyed in dreams
as the quetzal bird weeping.

I am angry in my dreams.

The stars are smoking hot

in my dreams of destruction.

 

*

 

Luis Cuauhtemoc Berriozabal is a California-based writer. He welcomes your comments at cuatemochi[at]aol.com.

photo by brettocop

Election Time


by Clyde Liffey

The doorbell’s ring – I didn’t even know it still worked – interrupted what had begun as one of the best afternoons of my life. Karen harrumphed.

“Do you have to answer that?”

The bell rang again, followed by some loud raps on the door.

“I’m afraid so. Besides, I wilted.”

She slowly dismounted, trudged around the room looking for her clothes, disappeared into the bathroom with most of them. I glanced behind the couch: the curtains were only half-closed, they were still at the door. I fumbled for the remote on the end table next to the couch, found it, turned off the football game, and took a swig of beer, warming in its can. Fortunately my pants were still near my feet where I had left them.

Still shirtless I answered the door.

“Who is it?” Karen called from the bathroom.

 “I don’t know. Jehovah’s Witnesses, I guess, though I don’t see any Bibles.” The well-scrubbed young men in front of me wore neat V-neck sweaters over their shirts and ties. Each carried some kind of ledger and a stack of pamphlets. The taller of the two – he looked familiar but I couldn’t remember where I saw him before – was looking in the direction of the bathroom.

“We’re here to talk about this Tuesday’s election,” the shorter man said. “May we come in?”

I regarded the disordered clothes scattered about the floor in front of the couch, the empty beer cans strewn near the end tables, the overflowing ashtray on the table nearer the door. I saw a few brown oak leaves, the last of autumn, scudding behind them in my ugly front yard.

“I’m a little indisposed at the moment. We can discuss our business here.” I rested my hand on the doorjamb.

The taller man regained his composure. I noticed they both wore their straight black hair combed back from their pale foreheads.

“We’re here to discuss the election. Our father is running for County Comptroller. As you know our county has run up a sizable debt in the past few years. These pamphlets explain how he’ll implement a plan to reduce that debt and lower your taxes, especially your real estate taxes.”

“I rent this place.”

“Even so.”

We were interrupted by Karen’s arrival in the front room. She looked at the taller man, then the shorter. “Mitt? Tim?”

“Mom?”

“What kind of name is Mitt?” I asked, trying to recall my disused German.

Karen frowned. “Mitt is short for Mitchell – my maiden name, his middle name.”

“What are you doing here?” Tim asked.

I looked over at Karen and she looked past me to the leaves in the yard.

“Your father spends a lot of time campaigning,” she said. “I got bored one night and went out for a drink.”

Here we go, I thought, and I would have liked to explain how this was my ex-wife’s weekend with the kids, how I met Karen last month at a bar, that sure she was a more than a few years older than me but she was funny and a good lay, but Karen kept on talking.

“I know he’s short and not even good-looking but he’s younger than me, attentive, and,” looking down at me, “he holds out a little longer than –”

“Is this serious?” Mitt, I think, asked.

“Ha! Of course not.” The other one said.

“Our poor dad. He would never.”

Karen narrowed her eyes.

“What about the fundraiser tonight?”

“I have plenty of time to get dolled up if one of you handsome young men will give me a lift.”

“Will he say anything?” Mitt’s jaw indicated me.

Karen placed an affectionate hand on my shoulder. “My John,” I’m not sure why she couldn’t remember my name, “won’t say a word.”

“Of course not.” I shivered as a sudden gust of wind blew some more leaves around the yard.

The boys followed my gaze, reconnoitering the area, wary of photographers or anyone who might recognize their mother. Not likely, I thought, not in my low-rent neighborhood.

Karen gathered her things. She semi-furtively blew me a kiss on her way down the lane.

Mitt whistled.

I peeked at the photo of the happy family on the cover of the top pamphlet.

 

*

Clyde Liffey lives near the river.

photo by Bedtime Champ

The Wood for the Fire


by John Grey              

               

The felling, the chopping,

the gathering has all been done.

 

The wood’s stacked up

at the back of the house.

It’s dampened by rain.

It’s dried out by the sun.

It’s chilled to the bone,

swollen by the heat.

It’s privy to the peculiarities

of this northern weather.

 

On a fall day,

the trees, the pastel colors

of a grandmother’s dressing gown,

the wood feels the touch of one leaf

then another, then a cluster of

of these dying beauties,

until it’s buried in debris.

 

When the winds start

blowing in from Canada,

it’s hauled into the house,

an armful at a time,

dropped down by the hearth,

ready for the match,

the bits of paper, kindling,

the tools of the fire-starter’s trade.

 

Eventually, the wood burns,

splits its fate between

smoke up the chimney

and ashes in the grate,

all in the name

of a house’s abiding warmth.

 

Spring arrives.

The axes are sharpened.

Soon it’s time for felling, chopping,

gathering, stacking.

 

A year of a family

has ten thousand story tellers.

This time it is the wood’s turn.

 

*

John Grey is an Australian born poet and US resident since the late seventies. He works as financial systems analyst. Recently published in Xavier Review,  White Wall Review and Writer’s Bloc with work upcoming in Poem, Prism International and the Cider Press Review.

photo by bildungsr0man

An Interview with Paul D Blumer, author of Death or Quarter


by Jeff Von Ward

Author Paul D Blumer

 


 

Twenty-three hours worth of eternity, reliving each piece of a lifetime; thinking in strings of thought, helplessly conjuring the ghosts of the past. Then escorted down the hall in silence for a solitary shower. Which is the only thing that goes by fast…

 

 

From the void of solitary confinement comes Paulie Gaeta’s harrowing story of crime and glory; from his Boston roots with an Italian crime family to his climb up the underworld pedestal as a bare-knuckle champion.

With dozens of illegal prize fights under his belt, Paulie loses a gamble with fate, and earns a 24-year sentence for narco-trafficking. In prison he finds himself surrounded by potential enemies and impossible choices, losing touch with the outside world which cast him out. Faced with insurmountable odds, Paulie must fight his way to the top again and again as he battles images of his past. And through it all, a recurring choice: death or quarter.

Death or Quarter is a dark saga of triumph and suffering, rooted deep in the mind of a philosophical killer, and underscored by shocking brutality and surprising sensitivity.

 

I sat down with Paul recently to talk about his debut novel.

What inspired you to write Death or Quarter?
I don’t know that I was inspired so much as a world opened before me and I couldn’t help but hitch my skirt and dive right in. I came in contact with this guy who said he had been a bare-knuckle fighter. We talked about doing a book, and he told me some stories from his life. Some crazy shit he spun, which is woven into the novel. And then he had some legal troubles—something, he said, about Whitey Bulger—and then I haven’t heard from him since.

The book, through one guy’s knuckle-scarred experience, is about what it means to be a conscious human, alone and flailing in this chaotic and capricious world. My characters tend to be thinkers—and whether bare-knuckle champion or high-class hooker, they are very much self aware. This is a direction I think humanity is (and has always been) (and maybe should be more) headed in; it’s a question only of how to represent it.

What does the title refer to?
The title sort of brings the piece together. It’s the rug from Big Lebowski. It’s what life’s about. Connections. A Unified Theory justification. A set of indelible choices: cease to exist, or suffer a deadly blow to pride and our aggressive competitive instincts. Who ever wants to surrender? The character, Paulie Gaeta, lives on the edge of death at all times. His life (and ours, by extension) boils down to the universe’s responses to choices. The old action/reaction thing, on whichever scale you choose to measure by.

What was the hardest part of writing your book?
The hardest part of writing is always the actual Sit Down And Write part. We are very good at distracting ourselves, at finding innumerable other activities that need to get done before we can write a word. Moments of focus were few and far between, until I passed the 100-page mark, and it flew pretty fast from there. Then, the hardest part becomes figuring out which connective tissue I needed between certain scenes.

Why did you decide to self-publish?
We’re at the edge of something here, a breakthrough decided by folks who live the philosophy The only things necessary in this business are writers and readers. And that was said by a middleman millionaire. I don’t like the idea of rotting in a slush pile. I prefer the Valhalla hell of direct marketing; of side-stepping the rank-and-file and scraping by on my own bootstraps. Where every measure of success is one I’ve had my fingers in. In many years, I may look back and bemoan the worst decision in my life. Or I may look back and congratulate myself. There’s only one way to find out…

Do you have any advice for other writers?
There’s really no way for one writer to advise another. We can share techniques, tools, knowledge. But when it comes down to it, writing is about as individual an experience as you can get. You’re alone; no one really understands, but you’re trying anyway, you’re reaching out to embrace unfathomable concepts, and you have to express them in a series of dots, lines, and curves arranged in well-established, alphabetized patterns. My only advice is Listen. Listen to the universe, to your muse, to the humanity all around. Your perception is all there really is.

What are you working on now?
At some strange point in my MFA career, I decided I wanted to turn in a bit of constrained writing as my thesis. Why not do something outrageous, to really earn that title of Master? But then it turned into “the first English book with no verbs.” About a revolution and a trio of young rebels. The more people I told about it, the more committed I was. The only problem is, it has been difficult enough to build the obstacle, let alone climb over it. That’s what I’m working on now.

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Paul D Blumer is the author of the new novel Death or Quarter, and an MFA candidate at California College of the Arts. He invites you to visit his website, Paulblumer.com.

Nearly Named Besse


by Tiffany Chaney

 

 We have three family albums. Two are blue, and one is red. I think I’m mostly in the red one. Mom hated having pictures of the dead in her house, and so those photo albums were like giant, forbidden tombstones. The faded blue one contained pictures of my great-grandmother Besse Clark and her nine daughters, all of whom had children inside of marriage, unlike my mother who quit high school, put herself through community college, and came home pregnant at twenty-seven with me.

I was supposed to have never been born.

After I wasn’t aborted and after I wasn’t a boy, my name was supposed to have been “Besse,” according to my grandmother. “Besse” was the name of a heroic cow with a blue ribbon around her neck, one of my mom’s bedtime stories.

I met Besse when I was three, was placed on her lap and jumped off twice. My favorite gum wasn’t even enough persuasion to keep me there. I remember a concept so void to my comprehension that it scared the living daylights out of me. Old woman. Great-grandmother. Alive. I don’t know this woman. Even if they say she’s a relative. She smells weird. I came from this musty antique of an old woman, whose breathy whisper made her seem even older. She talks, but only a little. Offers me gum.

Yet I do know that after years of being told what to do, of getting hit, and raising a farm and nine daughters by herself while her husband simply sat, Besse took her soapy cast iron frying pan and walloped her husband on the back of the head. He lived but ended up dying before her; she finally passed after being diagnosed with breast cancer, days before her 102nd birthday.

I want to be a Besse.

When my grandfather proposed, my granny turned him down three times. I have her red hair. In primary school, when the kids in my class were given androgynous shapes to create self-portraits with, I colored in the clothes I wore, my pink hair bow, and my hair with a brown crayon. The entire class decided that I was stupid and didn’t know what my colors were because my hair was obviously red.

Shortly after this, my grandfather got hit by a tractor-trailer after taking me to school. A year later, my grandmother began losing her memory and said I reminded her of her granddaughter. Another year later she died, and I didn’t cry. Most of the family I grew up with were old. Death was common.

My mother still has pictures of my grandfather’s corpse. Those pages in the blue album gave me nightmares. He was shrunken and so small I knew it wasn’t him. I certainly knew what death was and the concept of the soul, but that wasn’t his body.

*

 

My grandparents raised me while my mom worked. We played games. I helped in the garden, and we ate fresh vegetables. It was a good childhood. After their deaths, Mom bought us two grave sites next to them and eventually had time to teach me to ride a bike, make the best biscuits, get me obsessed with orange soda, and tell me that my grandparents never wanted me because I was a sin.

“It’s a lie. Granny loved me,” I said.

Mom had never wanted to tell me because even though she and her mama weren’t close, it was different with us. I realize the time period my grandparents grew up in is very different from what society is today, but in many ways the same stigmas continue.

Like mother, like daughter. Like her mother, my mother eventually disowned me.

She found me half naked at twenty-one with my college boyfriend during summer vacation and flipped. Things seemed to spiral out of control from there. We both apologized, but I was her only family. I had betrayed her.

It became hard to tell her that I loved her, because I felt like I didn’t know what love was at all. Now, I realize that I was going through a kind of depression and she was going through a mid-life crisis. Still, I blamed her for not being there for me. I grew up a terminal people-pleaser and tried to make amends by talking about it, by ignoring it, by inviting her to lunch or a movie, my treat.

I don’t need her. I don’t love her. Her mantra.

I have lost her love. She has broken a promise. I cannot carry a concept of love inside of me. My mantra.

Somehow, it all became equivalent to us destroying each other’s lives. Now, that, is a lie. The women in my family have it easy when it comes to holding grudges, and the common saying is, “I forgive, but I will never forget.”

I never raised my voice, when I was small or when I grew tall, not to sound like Dr. Seuss. I was a polite and quiet, proper southern girl when my father said goodbye and I love you. In that order. I obeyed my mother when she told me not to cry in front of Grandmother, who had forgotten me.

I said, “Yes Ma’am, I understand,” when she told me to pack my things and never come back.

But I said, “No,” when asked to choose who to love. I was conceived and born, but I am not a sin. I forgive, but it is so hard to forget.

Sometimes I want to be Besse, but I can’t conceive of that.

I can only conceive myself.

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Tiffany Chaney is a writer and artist living in North Carolina. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in The Saints’ Placenta, Ophelia Street, Pedestal Magazine, and Thrush Poetry Journal. Awarded the Lucy Bramlette Patterson Award in 2008, she completed a degree in creative writing at Salem College. She is recently completed poetry chapbook entitled Between Blue and Grey.

photo by jellywatson